To Lose is to Find
by KaUiA
Summary: They say a heart is powerful, strong to overcome any obstacle. They were wrong. His heart was strong and yet he ached, losing everything all that made him who he was; all that was left were memories that never existed.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Sora or Kingdom Hearts. I can only dream.**

**Author's note:** This one's something that took place during Chain of memories. This is the unedited version. Just how do you get beta readers? As of the moment, I don't have one. Anyone who can help?

**Summary:** They say a heart is powerful, strong to overcome any obstacle. They were wrong. His heart was strong and yet he ached, losing everything all that made him who he was; all that was left were memories that never existed.

Lights, camera, action, take one!

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They say a heart is powerful. It was a feeling stronger than any other. It is connected through everything. It cannot be denied. Cast a spell, if you are strong, if you try hard enough, one can overcome.

That's what everybody believes. Sadly, it isn't the same as in real life.

As I entered a strange castle, I only felt excited. I had faith. Faith, that in this place, I would find what I'd been searching for. It was a feeling of a truth laid so real that even without no proof to say it's real, you believe it.

Was it foolish? To believe, I couldn't tell.

It was a place oddly out of place. Beautiful, attractive place wrapped with illusions and lies. One after another, I went through rooms showing me things. Realities are lies. A lie becomes a reality. Lies are illusions. Lies and memories fool you.

Its memories so warm and real, you forget it's nothing more than an illusion. Memories become your reality that seduces, lie and fool you. It was a dream you like, so deeply plunged, you lose yourself to your memories.

Thus, somewhere as I walked, things faded away, forgotten like ashes blown by the wind.

I forgot.

The thing I was searching for was lost and became something that was entirely different.

Purpose; forgotten.

Why did I come here? What is my purpose here?

I couldn't remember. I tried to think of it, but there was nothing.

How could I forget? Why did I forget?

Each step seemed to weigh, cost a fragment of memory replacing something entirely different from before. There was this dull ache in my chest. There was something seriously wrong but I just couldn't tell what exactly it was.

I couldn't take notice of the changes. I was scared. I told myself a thousand times, memories that disappeared probably weren't important.

A great fool I was.

As I climbed each floor, I felt numbed; pieces of memory left me and were replaced with something real.

I knew the truth but I was scared. I denied it and lied to myself.

It isn't true. I just didn't want to face the facts laid out in front of me. So I walked acting as if nothing was wrong though I was actually terrified. Memories that disappeared, no matter how small were valuable. Each fragment led to another creating something that I cherished.

Slowly, everything changed. I couldn't tell which memory was real or which was a lie. In my head were lies that I felt. But the feelings along with those memories were so vividly real, my heart ached speaking that it was real although reality said otherwise.

I tried to think of my home, the island I grew up on; my friends, things that I treasured the most, faded into something different. In its place was a life familiar so similar but felt off.

It left me feeling fearful and scary because I valued it. Whenever I tried to recall the truth, all that came into my head were my new memories reassuring me, sooth me so that I would forget any doubts, forget my truth.

They told me, I knew it. I just didn't want to hear it. I ran, telling myself strongly that they were wrong. I didn't just want to face it. Because facing it would become too real to be true.

You know what they say when truth hurts. They were right. They plastered it in my face. Words of truth spoken to me but I just didn't want to hear it. Namine, who I was supposed to save, was tricking me all along.

I know she didn't mean to. She was lonely, sad, and alone without a companion. Born without memories, it must have been hard on her. She had no one to guide her, to help her.

Still…

Although I heard what she said, somewhere inside me, I just wanted to cry, to shout, to curl somewhere and hide where no one would find me. I wanted to be angry, to scream at her, to let out this pain I felt. I'm only human after all.

In the end, I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at her and blame her on something like that. It wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't have solved anything at all. Like me, she was a victim of this whole fiasco.

When I look at her, I get this image of a girl who looks like her, only…

…she had red hair.

I shook my head at that thought.

There was nothing I could do to alter what was done. You can't fix memories the same way you heal broken toys.

I know the "me" right now isn't really me if those memories I lacked aren't there. Memories I realize, are things that define you who you were and who you are. It tells you who you are.

What do I do without them? Who I am without them? Can I still be me? Am I still the same person without my reality but just illusions? Am I shallow for forgetting? Does that make me weak?

Does it perhaps, make me a "lie" itself?

No. It wasn't like that at all. I was wrong, looking at things too narrow-minded. I decided then to look at things differently. As strange as it sounds, it felt like that wasn't like me at all.

I realized it then. It isn't the memories that are important; it's the feelings and promises in a memory that's important. The people inside them, my feelings for them are what are important.

Fears shouldn't stop me.

Dread, hopelessness dwelled inside me, threatening to overwhelm me. As I trudged to stop Marluxia, fear gnawed me.

I blinked my eyes.

Once…

Twice…

I counted. I looked at my left, at my right… I'm not alone.

I held their hands, it was warm.

Their hands were obnoxiously big, so different from mine. Yet it felt so warm.

I look at the lucky charm that felt like it was the thing that kept me safe all this time. Distinctly, I could almost hear the ocean's wave, the scent of the sea, sleeping.

I gazed at the long hallway. I see it.

I see my friends, my companions.

Although she said she could recover my memories, I know its not easy.

Actually, I may never truly recover my memories. It might fade away, lost forever. But I know that even if I were to remember or to lose it, there was no need to worry. I can see myself in another person, in my friends. They'll remember for me. I just have to piece myself together in everyone.

Because, once I do, I'll be me.

I'll find who I really am.

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AN: Finally done! Like or no like? Please review and tell me what you think.


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